I Have Come To Address The Glog

Sorry for the delay in posts. I have been quite busy lately at Barbaro's stable, reading him 17th century poetry and feeding him yodels. Anyway, on CBS.Sportsline.com, there is a new feature called a "Live Game Glog" which appears when one enters the gamecenter. Now I don't want to go all Phil Mushnick on everyone, but this thing is seriously one stupid piece of crap. CBS.Sportsline explains the glog as a "live game log. It is the expert color commentary, the conversation you are having with your buddy on the couch and the critques you are making from the cheap seats all rolled into one." Fair enough. Let's see what amazing nuggets the glog has served up tonight. As I write this entry, the Yankees are beating the Red Sox 8-2. Here are some of the comments the glog aka "normal regular fan" has made.

Bottom 2nd - 2-8 N. Y.
Oh man Josh Beckett is in deep trouble in the Bronx. He's not getting robbed at the train station but he's getting rushed by the Bronx Bombers. Jason Giambi just hit the cover off the ball with a three run shot to right field and the Yankees now have a six run lead.
Hahahahahaha. Thank-you glog, aka regular normal fan, for your normal fan "joke." "He's not getting robbed at the train station..." is a lame generic joke about the Bronx that actually sounds vaguely racist. If jokes are going to be racist, they have to be REMOTELY funny. Not that I normally get offended by jokes, I just get offended by really bad jokes. And seriously, what retard fan is actually sitting on his couch now talking to his buddy and equating Beckett being rocked to a train station robbery? This glog reminds me of the 50 year-old dad trying to be "cool" with his son by talking late 80's street slang and dropping MC Hammer references. Also, Mr. Glog, you don't sound like Average Joe by saying "hit the cover off the ball" instead of homerun. You just don't.

Bottom 2nd - 2-8 N. Y.
The New York Yankees finally got some sweet revenge on Beckett in the Bronx. It's not in a World Series game but the Yankees lineup beat up on Josh for 7 hits and 8 runs in two innings and he was removed from the game. The fans were on their feet to cheer for the Bombers. Alex Rodriguez is on first and Posada who started this inning with a single is back at the plate. Van Buren relieves Beckett
Seriously, this ass beating of Beckett is not in a World Series game? Really, Mr. Glog, I had no freakin clue! I swear! I thought there was some transdimensional time shift which allowed June 5th to turn into October 20th and the Red Sox and the Yankees to both play in the World Series, despite the fact that they are AL teams. Again, thank-you Mr. Glog for your fan-friendly insight. I'm glad you also told me that the "fans were on their feet." I have no recollection of Yankee fans ever cheering a homerun by a Yankee or "bomber" as you cleverly have put it. In fact, I always believed that when a Yankee hit a homerun against the Red Sox at Yankee Stadium, the fans would boo profusley! Giambi, you goddamn bastard stop hitting homeruns! Boooooooooooo.
I also have to include this from the top of the first inning, it's so stupid...

Top 1st
After giving up a lead off double, Mike Muuuuuuuuuuuussina struck out the side to end the inning. Mussina looked great in the first and he will need to keep it up for seven innings to pull out another win. Damon will lead off against Beckett in the bottom of the first. Mr. Glog apparantly believes that all fans sitting on their couches watching Yankee games refer to Mike Mussina as Muuuuuuuuuusina. Yes, we all imitate the moose call whenever possible Mr. Glog. Also, brilliant baseball analysis with the "Mussina will need to keep it up for seven innings to pull out another win." No shit sherlock doesn't even apply here. This is beyond no shit sherlock. This is like no shit Sir. Arthur Conan Fucking Doyle. No, scratch that, this is like saying "Jim Thome will have to keep hitting homeruns in order to hit more homeruns so he can win a homerun title, because a homerun title is based upon how many homeruns one hits." Mr. Glog's analysis is almost Joe Morgan esque. I only have one more thing to say to you Mr. Glog: kill yourself.

Barbaromania Must End Now

Dear America,

I know you are upset about Barbaro breaking his horse leg. I know you feel you have to write him letters and send him e-mail to wish him luck in recovery. I know you have some sick animal-human lust thing going on. But COME ON, HE IS A HORSE. Why is there such an outpouring of emotion over a horse? For one thing, horses can't read, so the whole letters thing is a waste of paper and trees. Horses also can't understand English or think coherently and probably can't feel all the "love" people are sending him. I don't advocate animals dying or suffering, but I'd rather have a horse die than Albert Pujols. And don't we put to death a race horse everyday or something like that? Seriously, a horse everyday is turned into a bottle of Elmer's Glue. People only care about this horse because if it dies it can't mate and have million dollar kids. Or they care because they don't get out much. Let me sum up my ideas as simply as possible: Barbaro= Horse. Barbaro= Non Human. See people, find something else to do with your time other than writing letters to horses. Letters are....for P-E-O-P-L-E.

Sincerely, A Normal Human Being

Do Not Let Michael Barrett Give You A Bear Hug

Ahhh...the sound of baseball fights. There's nothing quite like 'em. Football brawls are awkward with all the pads and basketball brawls usually end up being fan-oriented. Baseball brawls, now there's some good old-fashioned fightin' and wrasslin'. A good baseball brawl has a few clear elements: bench clearing, poorly executed headlocks, sissy punches, and of course the obligatory pointing and shouting of empty threats. In the White Sox-Cubs series today, God's less loved child A.J. Pierzynski came charging home and knocked over Cubs catcher Michael Barrett. Barrett, clearly not thrilled, stood up and began yelling at Pierzynski. He actually embraced him in a pseudo-bear hug, then decked him the face, carrying out the secret wish of most Americans. Sorry A.J., you are not very well liked. Of course after the punch a rhubarb ensued with bodies flying everywhere. Scott Podsednik got his shots in, as did John Mabry and Brian Anderson. We all saw this coming in a way. People like A.J. usually end up getting socked in the face at least once their lives. On a side note, the White Sox won the game 7-0 and the Cubs continue to spiral toward oblivion. However, Chicago won't officially be a White Sox town until the Sox win seven straight World Series, the Cubs go 1-161 next year, Dusty Baker eats small children, and Osama Bin Laden becomes the GM. At least one of those things is attainable. However, I think Osama is more of an NHL type of guy.

Goddamnit, I guess I have to blog about it. Barry Bonds hit 714. Yipee. The only thing I have left to say is, Pedro Gomez, I do not relish your occupation.

Danny Almonte: Cheater, Pitcher...and Husband?

This is one of the biggest WTF stories of the year. (WTF, for all of you who don't know, is short for what the f--k.) I was perusing ESPN.com, checking up on the scores and the columns, taking in a little Bill Simmons, when all of a sudden I saw this little headline: Almonte, 19-year-old prospect, weds 30-year-old women. I was stunned. At first I thought it was a prank, maybe a little delayed April Fools humor. But it wasn't. Apparently Almonte, the little boy in the Little League World Series who didn't seem so little, has married a 30-year-old Manhattan hair stylist. While other teens his age are still struggling to get to second base, Almonte is already jacking three-run homers. Almonte was always ahead of the curve, first dominating prepubescent little leaguers and then high schoolers. Although he is in his 5th year of High School (something tells me Almonte wasn't accepted into AP Art History) Almonte is considered a prospect and will probably be drafted in June. This means that Almonte might have to leave his elderly sugar bunny to go play some ball. One has to wonder how this relationship started. Danny at least can tell his little friends that he's bangin' an older lady, but what can this women say? She's getting it on with a 19-year-old? That's barely legal. Sorry, I just don't see how this happened. But one thing is clear. Danny Almonte beat Derek Jeter in the race to marriage. Looking back on Almonte's fabled career as a cheating little leaguer, it seems pretty improbable that he would actually end up with a wife before Derek Jeter. It's sad, and quite funny, in many ways. Keep pitching Danny Almonte, you're what America is all about!

The Cavs Are Actually Winning This Series

Somehow, the Cleveland Cavaliers aka "The Lebrons" are winning their series. They lead the Pistons 3-2 after losing the first two games. Lebron "We are all witnesses despite low playoff ratings" James is proving to be as crazy good as we thought he was. He still is somehow carrying a team that does almost nothing to help him. It just goes to show you that whoever told you that basketball is a team game is a dirty, stupid liar. Hear that, every High School JV basketball coach in America? You lie to little kids! If you are as awesome as Lebron, your team will probably win games. Just look at the Los Angeles Kobes: they won when Kobe took 300 shots a game. Guess who won the night Kobe scored 81 points? The Lakers! See kids, sharing is not caring. Sharing is for losers. Well, I am exaggerating just a tad. Basketball is a game where one or two players can make or break a team. I still don't see the Cavs winning the series. The Pistons, who had huge expectations coming into the playoffs, will not choke. They just have too many good players. Chauncy Billups, Big Muscular Scary Wallace, Crazy Weed-Smoking Wallace, Rip Hamilton, and Tayshaun Prince have to be enough to takedown Lebron. So far they have been off of their game, but great teams like the Pistons play their best when they're backed into a corner. Just look at this analogy of the two teams: Lebron is rampaging Godzilla and the Pistons are the smaller parts of a giant Gundam Wing/Mech Warrior/Power Rangers robot. All 5 parts combine into one super mega robot, but does that robot have enough to stop one radioactive and psychotic beast? If this were a poorly made 80's Japanese anime, the answer would be yes. Giant robots always win. Unfortunatly, real life is not always like a poorly made 80's Japanese Anime. Real life has better animation. Lebron better watch his back or he'll be stepped on by a 50-foot robot war machine. Game 6 shall be good.

Holy (Bleepin) Crap! Scott Podsednik Hit A Homerun!

Minneapolis, Minnesota- Scott Podsednik, gutsy and gritty leadoff hitter, has hit his first regular season homerun since 2004. Podsednik hit the homerun off of a fellow member of the Scott fraternity, Scott Baker. I point this out only because, forgetting his World Series homerun, it has been a freakin' long time since Pods hit a homer. Anything to bring up that .397 slugging percentage. I'm sure Jason Kendall, a 0 homerun man himself, is watching slugging Scott with envy. Well all love Pods and his lovable, adorable bunting which gives baseball purists orgasms. But really, other than his obvious speed and solid defense, he doesn't offer that much else. His obp is average at best and same goes for his batting average. Of course, his power numbers are nonexistent. Honestly, he falls into the overrated category for me. Speaking of overrated leadoff hitters, Jim Hendry's Juan Pierre signing is looking about as diasatrous as the ESPN Mobile Phone ad campaign. Pierre is somehow, SOMEHOW, still batting leadoff for the Chicago Cubs. I would like to put stress on the SOMEHOW. There was a time when Pierre was one of the best leadoff hitters in baseball, way back in the ancient days of 2004. Those days have clearly passed. Besides the fact that Pierre isn't invited to Scott Podsednik's homerun party (soda, ice cream, and a free plastic whistle for everyone who has hit at least 1 hr) his on base percentage is beyond awful. By beyond awful, I mean below Jose Reyes territory. He's fallen near Christian Guzman territory, which is close enough to the suburbs of Hell. Pierre has an obp of .269 which gives hope to every overweight, balding, middle-aged, slow-pitch softball utility infielder of being in The Bigs by Spring of '07. Because really, I believe there's a .269 obp in all of us. You can do it. I can do it. Beong-Sun the Korean Grocer can do it. Poor Juan Pierre, they should start counting his stolen bases as hits. And his walks as hits. And his groundouts as hits. Here comes a batting title!

It's Hard To Play Baseball When Your Left Wrist Doesn't Work

That headline says it all. The Yankees have left wrist issues. Who knew that this was the ailment that was going to erase 200 rbis from the lineup? Sheffield is already out with an injured left wrist and could stay on the DL after the 15 days are up. Matsui is out indefinitely, some say three months, and his very annoying consecutive game streak is over. Other than Yomiuri Giants junkies, I don't think anyone cared that much about the streak. I love Matsui, but these consecutive game streaks are really overrated. Matsui's subpar playoff performance last year could have been attributed to the fatigue of playing every freakin' day. Now Matsui is out, along with the continuously disgruntled Sheffield (imagine the anger of every Philadelphia sports fan condensed into one human being) and Yankee fans are ready to freak out. On Mike and the Mad Dog today, I heard a visibly shaken Mike suggest that the Yankees go after Bobby Abreu, Carlos Lee, Ken Griffey Jr., Ichiro Suzuki (he wasn't nuts about Ichiro) and Cliff Floyd. Mike's trade talks were complemented by the rabid and unemployed callers. You gotta love the callers. "Joe from Bayonne, you're on the show" "Long time listener, first time caller. I'm a big Yankees fan and I got a great trade for the Yanks. So we deal Melky Cabrera and cash to the Cardinals for Albert Pujols. Then the Cardinals trade So Taguchi to the Marlins and the Marlins trade Dontrelle Willis to the Yankees. We keep Pujols at first, move Giambi to the DH and package Bernie in a trade for Jonathan Papelbon." Ok, that call didn't take place but the hyperbole really isn't that far off. I would now like to address my fellow Yankee fan brethren about the losses of Matsui and Sheffield. Brethren, we have been through much together. Yay, my fellows, do not fear that the Great Matsui and Great Sheffield have departed from thy grassy plains. For we still possess the Great Damon, Jeter, Rodriguez, Giambi, Posada, and Cano. Our lineup still has the strength of one thousand cannonballs. Thy White Sox of the burgh of Chicago have taught us that pitching steers the baseball units toward thy ultimate golden grail: victory. The goddess of victory shall bless our valiant hearts when thou pitching staff makes thy curveballs break and thy fastballs move with the speed of one thousand gazelles. For crying out loud, the lineup is still pretty goddamn good. Holy crap people, the Yankees can still score 800 or 900 runs for the season. Losing Matsui stinks, but pitching is what matters. The Yankees can survive with Crosby and Melky as long as Crosby plays his usual solid defense and Melky plays his usual, semi-ok-when-he's-not-dropping-easy-flyballs-in-crucial-games defense. The Yankees can hit. They can score. But they can't make Randy Johnson 28 again. Time Machines are for the movies.