Bonds Hits Number 713, Will Probably Summon The Apocalypse

The end is almost at hand, ladies and gentleman. Bonds is only one homerun away from tieing Babe Ruth and making everyone in America really, really, angry. Who is actually rooting for Bonds to break this record? Anyone? There's no need for an asterisk on his homerun records because the public has already given him the asterisk. Despite the fact that he is actually a great player, fans will always view his accomplishments with skepticism. Bonds-hating is the fad and honestly I am hopping on the bandwagon. Watching a half hour of Bonds on Bonds will do that to you. The man just isn't very likeable. I don't think America hates him quite as much as Phillies fans (after all Phillies fans would probably boo at the Special Olympics) but a great deal of hatred is there. 714 and 715 will end up being the most awkward homeruns ever. What is Bud Selig supposed to do? Maybe he'll muster a little "yay" and then curse himself. MLB is trying to steer clear from this as much as possible by not officially recognizing Bonds' historic homers. Ball number 715 isn't being authenticated, which means spilling blood in the stands for the baseball will probably not amount to that much money. We should really think about this moment more poetically. Perhaps when Bonds hits number 715 he'll break the lights like at the end of The Natural. He'll jog around the bases in slow motion while waving to his children in the stands. Randy Newman's music will play in the background. Fireworks will pepper the sky and confetti will rain down on the field. No wait, the fireworks will probably be flaming meteors. The outfield will split open, creating a burning canyon of hellfire in centerfield. San Francisco Bay will turn into a cauldron of boiling lava and the antichrist will arrive, officially declaring the human race exstinct. Loud dramatic classical music will play in the background as a tsunami of lava envelopes all of California. Cities will collapse, civilization will crumble, and the Cubs will once again not win the World Series. Yup, 715 is a homerun to look forward too.