Scott Boras, Super Agent Or Stalker?

This story is just too good. Braves catching prospect Jarrod Saltalmacchia's agent is lodging a complaint with MLB, claiming that Scott Boras' group is trying to steal his client. Complaints including "stalking" Saltalmacchia throughout the minor leagues and pursuing him repeatedly, even though Saltalmacchia has made it clear that he does not want to switch agents. Boras of course denies the claim. Here are some delicious quotes from Salt's agent: "I learned that once again, your representatives attempted to try and steal my client during his recent road trip to Tennessee with promises of obtaining a 'Jason Varitek contract' and other endorsements," Munsey (Salt's agent) wrote to Boras in a letter dated April 24. "This is no surprise as it's the 6th time your people have attempted to do so since last July, at last count. The answer from Jarrod was apparently the one he's given every time, "No thanks.' Some call this persistence on your part, others call it STALKING. And then, lawyers like me sometimes call it tortious interference with contract." Who knew Boras was this desperate? I guess this is how he got to be A-Rod's agent: stalking him all around the minors, watching his games, watching his practices, watching his workouts, leaving erotic messages on answering machines, peeping through hotel windows, making "big" promises. Oh Scotty, Scotty, where have you gone wrong? Jarrod doesn't want you, he wants his agent Jim Munsey. Jarrod "loves Jim to death" and isn't happy with you, Scott. For entertainment's sake, lets edit out some of Jarrod's agent's quote: "I learned that once again, your representatives attempted to...steal my client...with promises...of Jason Varitek...it's the 6th time your people have attempted to do so since last July...call it STALKING" Hmm, I guess Boras is trying to entice Jarrod with promises of Jason Varitek. Don't think Jason is into that type of thing. Obiviously Boras has some issues that he needs to work out. On a side note, Jarrod Saltalmacchia is hitting .241 with 3 homeruns in Double-A. Right now he should be satisfied with all of Boras' weird stalking. No one is going to continue to stalk a .241 hitter anyway.

Yankees Warm Up For Red Sox By Mauling Blue Jays

In what was a preliminary warmup to the Red Sox series on Monday, the Yankees crushed the Blue Jays, winning 17-6. The Yankees scored two touchdowns and drilled a field goal, but all those pesky Jays could manage was a touchdown and a botched extra point. Johnny Damon, Judas to Red Sox nation but Jesus to Yankee nation (we have a nation?) blasted two homeruns. Posada and Giambi joined the fun, homering as well. Randy Johnson, recently proclaimed the second ugliest man alive, had a so-so start giving up 6 runs in 5 innings. It is certainly nice to know that your offense can bail you out from time to time with 17 runs. Poor Josh Towers was not so fortunate. This was definitly the typical Yankee game: hit a crap-load of homeruns and extra base hits and pray the Yankee starting pitcher doesn't completly implode. A nice regular season strategy, but it doesn't fly in the postseason. Especially if a competent pitcher is on the mound (see Halladay, Roy last night) who can actually get batters out. The Yankees seem to specialize in pouring runs on and scoring a meaningless bunch of times. Sure, it's cool to see your team beat the living crap out of another team. But it isn't cool to see your team fail when the chips are down and runs are actually necessary. The Yankee starting pitching, just like 04 and 05, worries me. The bullpen has been solid so far, somehow anchored by the once crummy/wild Scott Proctor. Their starting pitching is aging and inconsistent. Wang so far hasn't been the strong consistent stopper that he was last year. Chacon seems to be hitting his stride after a few rough starts. Mike Mussina has been surprisingly good but a slump is probably on the horizon. I still have bad memories of his 7-0 start in 2003 followed by some truly terrible pitching. Moose is also 38, a bad age for a pitcher. And then there's Dandy Randy, who is A) 42 year-old B) Inconsistent C) Extremly ugly. C) does not factor into his pitching but the first two letters do. People (like me) always whine about how he dominates one game but then looks flat in the next. Johnson backers will certainly point out that he had a great second half of '05 after a putrid first half, but does that really make up for all those games he stunk in April, May and June? And of course there was the pitiful game 3 start against the Angels in ALDS which I sadly attended. The boo birds were certainly perched in their nests that night. Well then, what is the problem with Randy Johnson? Elementary, my dear readers: HE'S 42 FREAKIN YEARS OLD. What do you expect, really? How many pitchers are actually good in their 40's, other than lefty specialists, Roger Clemens, and now Greg Maddux? One of these days, Johnson is going to break down and become obsolete and sadly that day is sooner than you think. Let's just hope that he has enough left to pitch the Yankees back into the postseason. We all can't be Julio Franco, right?

Way To Pick 'Em, Mel, Way To Pick 'Em

Mel Kiper Jr. and all NFL draft experts have officially been humiliated. All of these so called experts with their 10 gazillion mock drafts botched the number one pick. For everyone who didn't catch any of sportscenter, Mario Williams of NC State was the number overall pick. A choice that actually makes sense for the Texans, considering they need defense badly. Before I go into tirade mode, I have to say that we all thought Reggie Bush was a lock to be a Texan. By we, I mean the public and the outsiders of the draft buisness or 99.9999% of America. But guess what? We aren't paid money to spend our entire lives predicting the draft. It's just so funny to see all of these draft pundits and experts yammer on and on about their mock drafts and who they think will be picked and just be wrong. See Mel, your daggone top 10 really was messed up! You were jinxed, Mel, you shouldn't have done that brilliantly unfunny ESPN mobile phone commerical. The draft is today and will thankfully be over soon, because nothing is more inane than nothing happening on television. And that is what the draft is, nothing on television. I will check the little draft ticker later in the day and hope the Jets don't screw up and take Jay Cutler over D'Brickashaw Ferguson.

Here's the score of the draft so far: Draft 1, Mel Kiper and friends 0

Kobe Was Sharing And Caring

The NBA playoffs became quite interesting last night. With barely any time left and the Spurs up by 1, the only K-mart still in existence (Kevin Martin, by the way. The other two K-marts are out of commission) swiped the ball out of Manu Ginoboli's hands and beat the buzzer with a last second layup. The Kings actually won, somehow semi-validating Ron Artest's stupid prediction. However, it is always nice to see a giant fall and I won't mind too much if the Kings win this series (which they won't.) The Cavs also won by a single point, thanks to a 40 point performance from Lebron James. We are indeed all witnesses, Lebron. The Wiz are down 2-1 but c'mon, nobody beats the Wiz. But seriously, I don't have a good feeling about the Wizards. I hope they win but there's something about a franchise which made Michael Jordan a GM and drafted Kwame Brown that bothers me. But the super awesome real news was that Kobe Bryant shared the basketball! And what happened kiddies? The Lakers won! Sharing is caring kids, and don't forget it. Kobe had a Nash-like 7 assists, passing to such NBA elites as Smush Parker and the previously mentioned Kwame Brown. The Lakers actually won convincingly 99-92 and lead this series. I still believe in the Suns though and I don't see the Lakers winning this series. Crazily, the Clippers could be the LA team in the second round. Yeah right, and the next thing you will tell me is that a small white Canadian with long hair won the MVP twice! Uh-huh ok, whatever. Now all I need is the Nets to bludegeon the Pacers into a bloody coma of basketball and I will be happy.

Delmon Young's Bat Handling Issues

We've all seen bat flips before. Brett Boone used to flip his bat with style after lining a ball into the gap or popping up to the catcher. Many Japanese players these days seem to be enamored with bat flipping. And now Delmon Young has caught the bat flipping fever! Well, sort of. Super stud prospect Delmon Young, a former number 1 pick, was peeved in a minor league game yesterday after a called third strike. Young proceeded to walk away from the umpire and disappeared off camera. The footage quality of the Young incident wasn't great and we never get a view of how hard Young flipped his bat. But alas, Devil Rays fans, (they have fans?) Young did flip/toss/chuck his bat in the direction of the umpire and the bat struck him square in the chest. There's no telling how long he will be suspended but it will probably be a while, delaying his inevitable call up to the big leagues. It's never a good thing when your ace prospect channels the spirt of Ron Artest. Whether Young's bat tossing was inadvertant or malevolent, this doesn't bode well for his future career. Most teams won't bother with hotheads with dangerous tantrums. Hopefully for Young (and my fantasy team) he can mend his ways and be at the big league level some time this year. A long suspension is certainly warranted and maybe it will be enough to calm him down. But then again, being a Devil Ray can be a frustrating occupation.

Kevin Mench's Magic Shoes

This story has been getting some publicity but it really needs more. Kevin Mench of the Texas Rangers, world renowned for his enormous head, now has magic shoes. In case you weren't aware, Mench was wearing size 12 shoes for his entire career. The bulbous-headed slugger experienced discomfort and a doctor advised him to upgrade to a size 12 1/2. Voila, Mench has become a hitting machine, homering in his last 6 games including a grand slam today. His average has soared above .300 and I believe his magic shoes are the sole reason (get it? sole? drum roll please.) How long will this magic last? Hopefully forever, or at least until the end of the year. This is really the most inspiring story of the year and this man should be given an ESPY. An ESPY for what category you ask? Why, best cinderalla story of course. Because this slipper does fit! Such a magical story is made for Disney. We could call the movie Mencherella. Evil manager/stepmother Buck Showalter won't let Mench play in any games, while his evil stepsisters Mark Teixera, Hank Blalock, and Michael Young are allowed to leave the dugout and have all the fun. One day, the hitting coach/fairy godmother Rudy Jaramillo shows up and tries to help Mench get on the field. However, his magic which transports Mench to the field will only last until midnight (eastern standard time.) Midnight EST is about 9:00 out in Texas. And then the prince will be...eh forget I don't want Disney to rip off my million-dollar idea. I'll take Mencherella somewhere else, maybe to an independent film company. Look out for Mencherella's premiere at next year's Sundance Film Festival. Such brilliance is made for the cinema. Did you hear that, you empty souless billion dollar industry known as Hollywood, a real classic is coming!

If Stephen A. Smith, Dick Vitale, and Chris Berman Were All In The Same Room...

Recently the three most...um...loud personalities in the ESPN family converged into one place. At Bristol, home of ESPN, Stephen A. Smith, Dicky V, and Berman all met in a single room and began a conversation. Due to my telekenetic powers which can extend hundreds of miles, I was able to hear the conversation and create a transcript for all to see. Actually, I just find all three of them very annoying and thought it would be funny/frightening if they were ever all together at once. I don't think there is enough oxygen to support all three talking simultaneously. Without further ado, here's the conversation that could have been:
Dick Vitale: Hey, I recognize you baby! Chris Berman, hey, let's get the balls roooolllin' I love college basketball do you like college basketball because I do baby Florida they're good Joakim Noah he's tall I love tall, long, lean, lengthy, tall players, and I looove college basketball yeah!
Chris Berman:(Running into room) Berman, cuts right WHOOP, down the sideline, spins WHOOP he's got an open lane, the swami is unstoppable! He's rumblin, bumblin' stumbling like a wild kamikaze in World War II! Hey there, it's "Chris Berman has a very large'" Dick Vitale!
Dick Vitale: Well, Chris, HELLO BABY, GREAT TO SEE YOU, I am just so excited about everything! Must be the combination of speed, cocaine, amphetimines, and coffee. GREENIES BABY!
Stephen A. Smith: (On the cellphone, walks into room) WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO ICE CREAM? STEPHEN A. SMITH NEEDS HIS ICE CREAM. RACIST SON OF A BITCH (gets off phone) WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? TWO WHITE MEN AND ONE BLACK MAN IN THE ROOM? RACISM, I'LL SHOOT Y'ALL.
Chris Berman: It's ok, Steve, we're just hanging out. Me and Dick are just talking about the college basketball season.
Stephen A. Smith: (screaming) WHAT? YOU WILL REFER TO ME AS STEPHEN A. SMITH, NOT STEVE, STEPHEN, STEPHEN A., STEPHEN SMITH, OR SMITH. STEPHEN A. SMITH IS IN THE HOUSE AND YOU WILL FEAR MY PRESENCE OR BUY A TICKET TO MY SHOW, QUITE FRANKLY WITH STEPHEN A. SMITH!
Dick Vitale: Baby, I just looove this UConn team they got everything! Speed! Height! Shooting! Speed! Length! Fast movingness! Unbelievable baby!
Stephen A. Smith: FOOL, THE COLLEGE BASKETBALL SEASON IS OVER. THE NBA IS IN THE HOUSE. PLAYOFF TIME! YOU EITHER GOT IT OR YOU DON'T. IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE TURKEY IN THE OVEN BY NOW IT AIN'T GOING IN SO YOU BETTER BRING IT! I GOT MY BOYS THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS OF THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION IN 7 GAMES! TIM DUNCAN IS A TRUE EBONY PRINCE!!
Chris Berman: (running around room randomly): He...can...go...all...the...way WHOOP BOOM SLAM A JAM JAM IT'S A DA-RAIDAHS OVER THE SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS AND BERMAN HAS HIS FOURTH TOUCHDOWN OF THE DAY, BACK...BACK...BACK...and I am confused. Hey Stevie Wonderbread, you mentioned turkey? I love turkey! I eat turkey and it's a rumblin' stumblin' through my intestines, down to my stomach, alll the way down and the little guy just squeezes itself out into the ol' Berman latrine for a TOUCHDOWN. Look at that little stool just float!
Stephen A. Smith: THAT IS FAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION! I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR LIFE. ONLY MY LIFE MATTERS! I HAVE HARD HITTING OPINIONS ON EVERY SUBJECT IN SPORTS! I AM CONTROVERSIAAAAAAL, OR IF I'M NOT, I JUST SHOUT LOUDER!!!!!!
Dicky Vitale: I just love controversy, baby, remember that '86 Nova team? I do baby, they had some team but I said that they were terrible baby just before the season, and they were baby, but then they weren't, they had it ALL I loooved them baby, Nova was going all the way and I predicted it! Just like George Mason, I'll tell ya something, that Mason team final four baby, that's what sports is about, it's about basketball, sports baby is all about everything, I just am so excited, what a wonderful time to be me! Mason, by the way, had some great offense, defense, and deoffsense. That's what it is!
Chris Berman: I can't agree more, sports is about the little guy going all the way. I remember when Roberto "remember the" Alomar and Jeff "Brown paper" Bagwell were all just rookies and...wait something happened. And Todd "Highway to" Helton. He was a bang and boomin', blasting the rumba to the wall.
Stephen A. Smith: WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Chris Berman: I just remembered, I know nothing about baseball. I just make up random nicknames! WHOOP, Berman cuts to the left, spins sideways, WHOOOP and he's FIRED from baseball tonight! Oh god, the wife and kids won't be happy. I'm sorry Sheila, I should have taken my medication! Why???
(Stephen A. Smith calls for his security detail which marches into the room and sedates Dick Vitale and Chris Berman. Five minutes later, Stephen's security turns on him and shoots him in the chest. Stephen's last words were "STEPHEN A. SMITH IS NOT IN THE HOUSE...")

Would You Intentionally Walk a .222 Hitter?

Willie Randolph, I know you are smarter than this. Last night out at telephone company ballpark (it was called Pac Bell, then SBC, now At&T. I give up) in San Francisco, Randolph played some Willieball and ordered Tom Glavine to intentionally walk Barry Bonds...twice. He walked Bonds to pitch to the light hitting Moises Alou, who is only slugging .618 and batting .327. Alou, being the terrible hitter he is, batted .321 with 19 hrs last year and slugged a putrid .518, with an equally terrible .400 obp. Randolph opted to pitched to this crappy hitter twice after walking Bonds. The first time Alou drilled a 3 run homer to left, and the next time he delivered a single to drive in two more runs. He finished the night with 5 rbis and the Mets rightfully lost 6-2. Why in hell are managers still intentionally walking Barry Bonds? WHY?! He's 42 years-old and his body is breaking down due to age/steroids. His knee is in terrible shape. By the way, he has ONE homerun and is slugging .389. This is not the Bonds of 2001 or even 2004. Managers, please, pitch to him! I gurantee he won't hit a homerun everytime he is up. Give the Bonds treatment to Albert Pujols, a superior hitter in the prime of his career. If managers continue to avoid Barry Bonds, Moises Alou is going to be a very happy man. This whole intentional walk trend is really bothering me. It just seems like a less competitive and less strategic way of going about things. Aren't pitchers taught not to put men on base? Why is it considered good strategy to walk a good hitter, when another pretty good MLB hitter is waiting behind him? As I said before, Bonds was walked to face Moises Alou, a guy who can be considered a cut above in the hitting department. Even in Babe Ruth's day, pitchers went after the great sluggers like Ruth, Gehrig, and Foxx. No one in history has piled up as many intentional walks as Bonds. Maybe in his prime, Bonds could be avoided. But now is the time to go after him. Not much is left in the ol' gas tank.

Nomar Is Back...At Least For Now

Nomar Garciaparra, once heir to Ted Williams' throne as Boston's baseball God, is finally back. At least until his next DL stint. With the count 2-2 and the bases loaded in the top of the 9th and the Astros up 2-1, the Dodgers needed some magic. I was never a huge fan of Nomar when he was regularly a batting champ in Boston. As a Yankee fan, it was hard to be. But something about Nomar's plunge into mediocrity bothered me. I hated to see the Red Sox win the World Series, but it somehow seemed worse without Nomar in the celebratory mosh pit. The baseball world just wasn't right without Nomar's dominance. I missed the days when people would legimatly debate who was better: Nomar Garciaparra, Derek Jeter, or Alex Rodriguez. Nomar was once a first ballot hall of famer, but injuries doomed him and held him captive on the DL. After a couple of uninspiring seasons for the Cubs, he was off to Los Angeles where he once again began the season on the DL. He returned from the DL just a few days ago, going 2-4 with a double. It looked like that even as an aged first basemen, he had some of old Nomaah left in him. Now back to the 2-2 count. Lidge challenged Nomar with his best fastball. The Chicago Cubs Nomar might have whiffed completly or popped the ball foul. But the Boston Red Sox Nomar would have turned on the pitch and whipped the ball effortlessly 400 feet. The old Nomar, the Boston Nomar, showed up. He drilled Lidge's fastball, blasting a majestic shot to left center for a grand slam, giving the Dodgers a 5-2 a lead and an eventual win. I am not a Dodgers fan or a Red Sox fan, but it is good to see Nomar back. Like Ken Griffey Jr., baseball is better off when Nomar is on the field.

Ron Artest Shocks The World With One Game Suspension

I have lost my innocence. Ron Artest, rap artist, psycho, and basketball player, has been suspended one game by the NBA. And believe it or not, the suspension wasn't even that warranted. Artest delivered an elbow to the face of Manu Ginoboli and Ginoboli fell, resulting in a personal foul. However, Ginoboli picked himself up and the game continued. The suspension was a shock to everyone and for once, Ron Artest did not deserve any punishment. This seems to be a case of Artest's reputation catching up with him. He's roughed up players in the past and is certainly a hard-nosed player. Of course, he also likes to beat the crap out of spectators. Ron Artest was actually wronged. Ginoboli was barely shaken from the hit. Let Artest play game two so he can follow up on his Joe Namath-esque prediction of a Kings series victory! In addition, the suspension bug bit Heat forward Udonis Haslem aka U Daddy. U Daddy, as he will be referred to from now on, chucked his mouth piece at one of the refs following a rebound attempt in which no foul was called on the Bulls defenders. The league handed him a one game suspension. U Daddy pleaded his case with NBA vice president Stu Jackson, but it was to no avail. Disco Stu has been quite busy in the last 24 hours, dishing out suspensions to Artest and U Daddy. If only U Daddy was playing baseball, he could've thrown his jock strap at the ref. My innocence has really been stripped from my young soul tonight. Artest, U Daddy, I shed a tear for thee.

Keith Hernandez Has No Luck With The Ladies

During the Mets-Padres game on Sunday, Keith Hernandez kind of made a boo boo. A slip up, if you will. Nothing bad like when he did coke (see 1980's) or beat his wife (also see 1980's) but it wasn't pretty. I do think this is story has been blown a bit out of proportion. Keith saw Padres' massage therapist Kelly Calabrese in the dugout with a Padres jersey on (the army jersey, the one that makes the Padres look like they're going off the Vietnam) and made a little comment. Keith, take it away. "Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair? What’s going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout." Once he was informed that Calabrese was a massage therapist, the slick fielding first sacker replied, " I won’t say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don’t belong in the dugout." Later he blew it with a really bad apology, something along the lines of "I love the gals." Keith shouldn't have said what he said, granted. But I've heard way too many holier-than-thou sports personalities denouncing Keith Hernandez for his terrible deeds against women, as if he just set back the feminist movement 20 years. Keith deserves some sort of punishment, but lets not go overboard. I love Tony Kornheiser, but he was way too upset about this story for my taste on PTI today. Ditto Jay Mariotti on Around the Horn, which is a dumb show altogether. Sniffing the white stuff or domestic abuse is a lot worse. Actually, Victor Zambrano is worse. Much, much worse.

Chris Berman Is Killing Baseball Tonight

"Back...back...back and GONE" is Chris Berman's extraordinarily annoying homerun call. He loves to employ it during baseball highlights on Baseball Tonight. In fact, he loves to be annoying. And fat. Chris Berman, along with the NFL draft hype (see below) needs to go away. He is absolutly killing Baseball Tonight. Thankfully, he only hosts on Sundays for the Sunday night game. If he isn't making up an incredibly stupid nickname for a player, or making weird sounds, he is probably just being loud. I am glad he usually sticks to football, because he has just enough stupid to turn me off from baseball forever. And that's nearly impossible to do, considering I am a baseball nut. He is just making Baseball Tonight unwatchable. His top plays of the week are even worse. Berman takes random crap from the world of sports, puts it into 10 "plays" (he usually has about 20 different highlights for one play) and again makes stupid sound effects with his mouth. WOP, Warrick Dunn cuts to the right, WOP, runs, WOP, WOP, WOOOP. Baseball Tonight as a whole is on the decline. Bobby Valentine, in his one year as analyst, really made it work. Back in '03, I never missed BT with Bobby V on the show. Now, it's just eh... Baseball Tonight really got off to a roaring start this year when Steve Phillips proclaimed Cliff Lee the best lefty in baseball. And Harold Reynolds countered with...C.C. Sabathia. (Johan Santana, anyone?) Of course, Steve Phillips is the guy who gave Mo Vaughn a contract. Unparalled genius. I kind of like John Kruk as an analyst, but he will also say some stupid things. Larry Bowa wasn't bad, but he's gone. Yup, the only thing keeping Baseball Tonight afloat is the catchy theme song. Da na na, da na na naaaaaa, da da da....

Clash Of The Sidd Finches

This has been some crazy day for sports. The Nets dropped a tough one to the Pacers, losing by 2 at home. Kristic got called on a lame foul, setting up the game winning points for the Pacers. Carter did have 31, but it just wasn't enough. On the bright side, an NBA playoff series is unbelievably long so this loss shouldn't hamper them too much. A win Tuesday is vital for their chances though, because then they head to Indiana afterwards. Now on to the real news... Remember the Sports Illustrated article from a long time ago, about the Mets' new phenom named Sidd Finch? George Plimpton wrote the story about a very strange pitcher who could throw the ball around 160 mph. He pitched with a boot, lived in the woods, played the horn etc. Crazy stuff. The story was written for April Fools Day and turned out to be a hoax, but a lot of Met fans bought into it. Today in Seattle the real life Sidd Finches faced off: Justin Verlander and Felix Hernandez. Neither of these pitchers are oddballs like Sid Finch or throw 160 mph. But damn, they throw almost as hard. Both of these pitchers are incredibly young: Hernandez just turned 20 and Verlander is 23. They each have unlimited and insane talent, like the curious Sidd Finch. They have folk hero ability, like Roy Hobbs when he shattered the lights at the end of The Natural. Verlander only struck out 3 today but allowed one run over 7 innings. He was still chucking the ball 98 mph with 2 outs in the 7th inning! By the way, he routinly breaks 100 mph. Verlander, an Old Diminion graduate, also has a slo-mo curve which comes in at about 72 mph. I'm still wondering how he doesn't pitch no-hitters every single start. Hernandez is similar: high 90's gas with some jaw dropping breaking stuff. He's the Doc Gooden of the 21st century, but without the coke and jail time. Both pitchers dueled it out today, with Verlander emerging victorious. However, King Felix didn't disappoint either, striking out 9 in 7 innings of work. He allowed 3 runs, but only 1 earned. Unfortunatly for Seattle, the Tigers currently lead 6-4 and will probably win the game. We might look back years from now at this matchup and think Koufax-Gibson. Or Sidd Finch v. Sid Finch. In other baseball news, Greg Maddux has found the fountain of youth and is 4-0. Roy Oswalt is 4-0. Barry Bonds homered. Yipee. The Yankees, Red Sox, and White Sox all won. And once again, I am out of finger juice. Till next time.

Only Seven More Days Until Mel Kiper Jr. Leaves Me Alone

The NFL Draft is one week away. Many people are excited about the draft. Many people talk about the draft on television. The television people, especially, need to go away. Don't get me wrong, I love football. I am a die-hard Jets fan who died a little inside after last year's season. I have even been slightly more interested in the draft this year since the Jets are picking 4th. But c'mon, this is NOT a sporting event. Stop hyping it like it is. All the draft consists of is hours upon hours of really boring television and football players wearing suits and ties. I will sum up the draft for you right now: "The Houston Texans select...The New Orleans Saints select...The Tennesse Titans select...The New York Jets select..." and so on. Enough with the NFL draft, I am tired of ESPN and its 10 hour draft specials which air every freakin day, basically regurgitating the same crap. We know Reggie Bush will be picked first! There is NO chance that the Texans pass on him, so please stop wasting precious airwaves on the possibility that he won't be taken number one. We know Mario Williams is good at football. We know D'Brickawhatever is a nice prospect. Mel Kiper Jr., we know you hate Jay Cutler. Just shut up. I swear to god, if I hear anyone else talk about Vince Young's throwing motion, someone is going to die. Why is the draft such an event? I don't get it at all. No footballs are thrown, no one is tackled, and no kickers miss 30 yard field goal attempts. ESPN has pissed me off in two ways lately: one, with those really stupid ESPN mobile phone commercials with the retard hanging out in front of ESPN's HQ, telling us about the shitty features on the phone, and two, Mel Kiper Jr.'s ESPN mobile phone commercial. The second thing is especially annoying because it combines Mel Kiper Jr. and the inane phone. Basically, Mel takes calls from the phone which "alerts" him about who is being drafted. It concludes with Mel's painfully forced line, "that daggone pick messed up my top 10." No one cares, Mel, no one cares. You make so many damn top 10's in your ever changing mock drafts, I don't see how one of your 50 top 10's can't be screwed up anyway. Only seven more days...

Anna Benson's Husband Beats The Yankees And The Baseball Round-up

A new feature is being added to the blog, the baseball round-up. I should get .7 originality points for this one...

Last night, Anna Benson's husband didn't bring his A game, but he had just enough to take down the Yankees 6-5. Anna Benson's husband pitched 5.1 innings, allowing 3 runs on 8 hits, striking out 4 and walking 3. Robinson Cano hit a 2 run homer off of Anna Benson's husband in the 4th. Windup challenged Chien-Ming Wang (it takes him approximatly 5 hours to deliver the ball to home plate from the full windup) gave up 6 runs in 5.1, allowed 8 hits, walked 2, and struck out one goddamn batter. Chris Ray came on to the nail the save for the O's, but not before the Yankees loaded the bases in the ninth. A struggling Hideki Matsui took a called strike 3 on a Ray slider, definitly outside the strike zone. Matsui should have walked, tying the game, and taking away a win from Anna Benson's husband.

It was certainly a crazy night for baseball all around. The Marlin fire sale warriors Josh Beckett and AJ Burnett faced off in Toronto, with those scrappy Jays pulling out a win in 12 innings. Manny was finally Manny, homering twice and breaking his early season homerless drought. Not a good night for World Series heroes: "slugger" Willie Harris (formerly a member of the champion White Sox) went 0-4 and Keith Foulke took the loss in the game. Beckett also allowed 5 runs in 7 innings, causing Yankee fans everywhere to laugh in unison.

The Met lost 2-1 in a wild 14 inning affair at San Diego. Another freakin' World Series hero was involved, this time Geoff Blum, who scored the winning run for San Diego. On base percentage God Brian Giles (he really is the God of this category, like Apollo was the God of the Sun or Ares/Mars was the God of War) delivered the game-winning hit. David Wright, Jesus to all Mets fans everywhere, was 0-5. The anti-Brian Giles Jose Reyes was 0-6. Vinny Castilla and Ben Johnson of the Padres were 0-6. There was no offense in this game. Except for Carlos Delgado. He hit a homerun. Typing simple sentences is good. Very good.

Alfonso Soriano is clearly being hampered by the cavernous RFK Stadium, the Babe Ruth of pitcher's parks. Soriano looked visibly bothered by the park's dimensions, homering only 3 times in the game. The Nats beat the Braves 7-2, mostly thanks to Soriano's insane 4-5 night, which included 5 rbis.

The Chi Sox beat the Twins 7-1 in the duel of the big time lefties, Johan Santana and Mark Buehrle. Buehrle was great, Santana was ok, and Twins number 9 hitter Juan Castro sucked as usual. Seriously, if you're hitting 9th for the Twins, maybe it's time to find a new career. Speaking of the really bad, Rondell White is hitting .119. Jim Thome hit another homerun. How surprising.

That's all for the round-up, there were more games played but I've run out of finger juice.

Your NBA Playoff Preview

It's that time of year again! NBA playoffs are here in their dragged-out-too-long-anticlimatic-glory. Anyone else enjoy playoffs that last almost as long as the actual regular season? I for one do like the NBA playoffs, even though by round 3 I'm ready to gouge my eyes out from boredom. Any mentally deficient monkey knows that the Spurs and Pistons should just play in the finals now and skip the playoffs, because no one is going to beat them. Or are they? Perhaps I shall not pick the Spurs or Pistons in my playoff preview...or will I?...or won't I? Just read the damn predictions. (First round only)

Detroit over Milwaukee- Seriously, this prediction is easier than Paris Hilton

Washington over Cleveland- Here's a first round upset for ya, Lebron and the Cavs fall to the whimsical, half/crazy, online poker-playing Gilbert Areneas

New Jersey over Indiana- Indiana owns the season series, but NJ is healthy and has three dynamic scorers, not to mention the presence of big man Nedad Kristic (wow, no jokes in that prediction but hey, I take my team the Nets seriously)

Miami over Chicago- Who do you think Stan Van Gundy is rooting for?

San Antionio over Sacramento- Ron Artest has the Kings going all the way. Ron Artest is a moron.

Dallas over Memphis- Mark Cuban gave away free airline tickets to fans at the latest Mavericks game. The tickets can only be used in some obscure airport in Texas named Love Field, and depart only to Austin, San Antonio, Kansas City, and St. Louis. Mark Cuban, you're a generous bastard.

LA Clippers over Denver- Congrats Clippers, you are no longer the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of the NBA.

Phoenix over LA Lakers- Kobe and the Zen Master will be at the mercy of a White Canadian

The Sky Is Blue, David Wells Is Fat, And The Mets Can't Beat The Braves

They can't do it. They just can't. Can any human being recall the last time the Mets beat the Atlanta Braves 2 out of 3 in a series? 2005? 2003? 1974? The Braves have some mystical dominance over the Mets that spreads generations. The only continual Braves presence over the years that still remains has been the Jones boys, Bobby Cox, and GM John Schuerholz. The Braves have interchanged their parts so many times and all them have had two things in common: Mets domination and playoff futility. Today a guy named Tony Pena Jr. (son of the Yankee first base coach, who the hell knew he had a son in the bigs?) scored one of the Braves' two runs. Tim Hudson, who has been horribly inconsistent this year, suddenly discovered his pitches from three years ago and owned the Mets' lineup. Here's his line: 9.0 IP, 3 H, 1 ER, 1 BB, 6 K. Tom Glavine pitched his heart and soul out, but it wasn't enough for the Mets to break the Braves' psycho-mystical-paranormal dominance. We all know historically in the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry that the Yankees have prevailed many more times. However, at least the Red Sox do win a few series off the Yankees each year. In fact, last year the season series was about equal. The Mets-Braves clash can't be called a rivalry when one team flat out beats down the other one. Granted, the score in the game was 2-1 but once again a series win goes to the Braves. Keep on tomahawk choppin' you racist Braves fans, the Mets still aren't a threat. Check that, the Mets ARE A THREAT, but in the song market. Apparently, those lovable Mets enjoy being ridiculed in the public forum. The Mets have released a new song that carries a hilarious jinx-enducing title, "Our Team. Our Time" (note that this is being released in mid April with only 148 games to go in the season) and some catchy bad lyrics. Ron Artest, rap star, would be proud.

Randy Johnson Is The Second Ugliest Man Alive

At least according to the Boston Phoenix, which compiled a list of the 100 "Unsexiest" Men alive. Gilbert Gottfried, posterboy of the annoying and voice of the AFLAC duck topped the list. Now, I am not one to quibble with details, but why the hell is Randy Johnson not number one? Have you ever seen this man pitch? Have you ever seen this man do anything? He looks like a cross between a burn victim, frankenstein, and anything else that inspires the regurgitation of food and drink. I always understood why batters feared him at the dish. A blazing fastball and a full plate of ugly will do that to anyone. I love to imagine (another comedic fantasy) Johnson coming home at night and walking into the rooms of one of his kids. This 6'10'' shadow stands over the kid's bed, and he just pees himself to death. Randy Johnson+night games do not mix. Randy Johnson+day games do not pick. In fact, Randy Johnson+outside don't mix. Trust me, I saw him pitch twice last year. He really has a face for America's Most Wanted or Jerry Springer (after the love child fiasco from earlier this year, he might end up on Springer.) Look, I am a Yankee fan and I want Randy Johnson to succeed. But man, I am not coming within 300 feet of him to ask for an autograph. Lucky Jorge Posada doesn't have to catch him. He lets Kelly Stinnet do the dirty work. Really dirty work. Ugly work. Ugly. Ugly. Work. On a side note, Johnson celebrated his spot on the list by giving up 7 runs in 3.1 innings to those pesky Toronto Blue Jays.

Jim Leyland Takes Off The Kid Gloves

Apparently Chris Shelton homeruns aren't very magical. Not magical enough for Tigers manager Jim Leyland anyway. Yesterday Jimmy went off on his team, saying that they "...stunk, period. We stunk and it's not good enough. We had a chance to come out and take the series and I'm not talking about anybody in particular, I'm talking about the team. Myself, the coaches and everybody else. It's my responsibility to have the team ready to play today. They weren't ready to play. They were ready to get on a plane and go to Oakland." I admit the quotes in the AP story about the Tigers-Indians game sound rather tame. Leyland even spews a rather unintentionally funny insult: "The whole ball of wax was lackluster." Can you imagine t-shirts of that quote printed up? Imagine Tigers fans patrolling Comerica Park with white shirts, with the quote in big blocky letters on the front next to a picture of an angry Jim Leyland. And then when Jeremy Bonderman gives up 5 runs in the first inning, the fans can start chanting "ball of wax, ball of wax, ball of wax..." getting louder and louder each inning. We all have our fantasies, right? Comedic fantasies aside, if you actually see the way Leyland handled the media after the Tigers loss, you would see a very frustrated man. He even stormed away from the beat reporters, mid interview. The man is clearly pissed. He was so pissed he made the leaderboard on PTI, sandwhiched between some irrelevant basketball and football stories. I have a message for you, Jim Leyland: it's ok to rip your team, but not in mid April. I know the Tigers have had a recent history of absolute failure, but c'mon Jim, at least give your team a chance to fail. Enjoy homerun freak and self-proclaimed "non homerun hitter" Chris Shelton. It's the least you can do.

Ultimate Obstacle Course Challenge: A Sport For REAL Men

I was browsing through ESPN 2, checking out the usual quality programming when I stumbled across an undiscovered gem. I was being sarcastic about "quality programming" but not about "undiscovered gem." This gem, thankfully, as nothing to do with Quite Frankly with STEPHEN A. SMITH (caps lock to emphasize how he would read that sentence.) Viking: Ultimate Obstacle Course Challenge is man at his absolute pinnacle. This sport is a paragon of man's physical strength, agility, and ass-kickingness. For all of you pedestrians who don't know, V:UOCC is a Japanese competition in which small Japanese men (no joke, the number one seed in this competition was 5'4 and weighed 130 pounds. I know lawn gnomes with more density) compete in an insane obstacle course, trying to acheive the best time. This isn't your average day camp obstacle course. (You know, the one where you spin the bat on your head and find out what it feels like to be drunk.) Anyway, challenges include climbing a giant captain's wheel, swinging on a rope maze (pictured,) answering math problems (again this isn't a joke, in order to advance in one of the obstacle courses, competitors had to answer a big addition problem in order to open a door,) and lifting up a 65 pound sack on a flag pole. There are plenty of other events as well, but you'll have to check them out yourself. V:UOCC aired tonight at 8:30 pm on ESPN 2, so maybe it will air in that time slot again. As a bonus, the introduction to V:UOCC includes a computer animated muscular water god guy causing a tidal wave. Seriously it does. Those Japanese are crazy.

Pedro vs. The Braves: Battle For The Fate of the World

Stop the presses! Alert all media outlets in the entire world! The NEW YORK METS ARE 9-2 AND HAVE THE BEST GODDAMN RECORD IN ALL OF BASEBALL. PRINT THOSE PLAYOFF TICKETS. RAISE THE WORLD SERIES BANNER! RAISE IT NOOOOW! THE METS ARE A DYNASTY! YANKEES SUCK, YANKEES SUCK, C'MON PEOPLE LET'S GET A YANKEES SUCK CHANT GOING! THE METS OWN NEW YORK. Alright, enough of that, let's be serious. The Mets are playing well, granted. They certainly have a proficient offense and their starting pitching has yet to implode. Wagner and co. combine to make a solid pen. But this is April, please Mets fans, this series against the Braves doesn't mean anything. If you win the series, it won't matter because it's April, and if you lose the series, it won't matter, because...(fill in the blank with your massive noggin.) Pedro Martinez vs. the Braves will not determine the fate of the world, contrary to what some hyperbole-ridden Mets fans might think. So sit back, enjoy this series, and don't go overboard about the Mets just yet. I know the Braves have struggled, and Francouer is hitting like Rey Ordonez, but let's just wait a bit. No need to be impulsive, like that adorable little Don Zimmer huffing and puffing toward Pedro in the 2003 ALCS. (Note: I had to make that reference, otherwise that great cartoon would have no meaning.)

Get Inside The Head of Barry Bonds

Ever been to Barrybonds.com? No of course not, why the hell would you have been there? If you have ever been there, it is comedy at its finest. Reading the entries of "Barry's Journal" will show you the truly innocent and cuddly Barry Bonds. Read about Barry's favorite foods, or how he loves the fans, or even how positive everything is. He gives you the scoop on everything! Check out the Barry archives and he'll even break down the MVP race for you, Peter Gammons-style. Look at this mind-shattering gem about Johan Santana: "And how about the Twins? You can't say Johan Santana. He's 20-6 with 260 strikeouts. But he comes out only once every five days, so somebody has to be carrying them the other four." Hear that folks? In Barry's world, pitchers don't really count toward winning baseball games and shouldn't win awards. Sandy Koufax, you son of a bitch, Barry Bonds says to give your goddamn MVP trophy back! Also, here's Barry's take on hate mail: "I got a little hate mail in 2001, the year I broke the single-season record and hit 73. But I don't go through the mail anymore. I let other people do it for me. They weed out all those things so it doesn't upset me and I can keep my mind clear." Isn't that wonderful, the persecuted Barry Bonds makes people read his mail. That's good, god forbid Barry's mind gets warped by that stupid thing called reality. His minion letter-readers keep his mind open, so he can read e-mails like these: (these are actual e-mails from Bond's site, even though I'm convinced he wrote them to himself and made someone else "weed them out")

Tanya, Oregon"Barry, I am totally supporting you 100 percent and I LOVE watching you play baseball. I don't care what other's say or think. My opinion of you won't ever change. Thanks for having a Web site where we can see pictures and read up on you. It is way cool. Again, you are AWESOME!! Keep up the great work. One of your biggest fans."
Ramon Cruz, Tennessee"Barry, regardless of what the media is doing to make you look bad, I'm your fan and will support you, you got what it takes, good luck and hurry and break that record, GOD BLESS YOU !!!!!"

Aaron Simmons "Hang in there, Barry. They just want to keep a target on you. Screw them, and show them what you have always shown them, how you're the best hitter in the game. Giants and Bonds fan for life!"

Claraita Herrera "Dear Barry, it was so great to see you on TV and to watch you hit a home run. ... You look great, and I look more to seeing you in San Francisco, take care of your self and family, and I am also very sorry about Kirby Puckett, I have been fortunate to see him play ball. He will be truly missed, God Bless you and your family. Go GIANTS !!!"

John, Pittsburgh (this is the best e-mail by far) "I just want to express my support for you. To me, you are the greatest player I have ever seen. You are an inspiration to my young children (7 years and 8 years). When my kids want to be Barry Bonds, that says a ton about how you carry yourself on and off the field. Not one thing they say about you can change my opinion. It's a shame that as a fan, I can't enjoy watching you make history without some idiot trying to make excuses and stories why you are so good. Please do not let these idiots chase you from the game. I want to witness when you make history and so my children can also one day tell their kids thay watched the greatest player ever to put on any baseball uniform. You're the best!"

Giving The Nets Some Love

*Warning*- The following post is being written by a blogger in New York, and this post is not about the New York Knicks. It has nothing to do with Larry Brown's coaching ability, health, contract, starbury, Isiah's IQ, or Nate Robinson's height. Ok, done with that. The Nets are somewhat fresh off a 14 game win streak, and even though they have scuffled of late, they are a very dangerous team going into the playoffs. Look for them to upset someone, whether its Detroit or Miami. With Carter, Kidd, and Jefferson they can score with anyone, run with anyone, and be as athletic as an army of Spiderman clones. Kristic has emerged, as has their D which is becoming downright stingy. To celebrate the Nets playoff berth, here are some season highlights.

November 25- During a game at Phoenix, a fan heckles Marv Albert while he's announcing from the stands, asking him if he's gay. Two seconds later, Vince Carter drains a three pointer, prompting Marv to shout his signature call: YES!
December 21- Vince Carter throws down a dunk on three Magic defenders. Simmering with jealously, Scott Padgett of the Nets throw down 3 reverse dunks, breaks the glass (twice), then vows never to dunk again.
Jan 28- Furious after the Nets fourth straight loss, coach Larry Frank snaps, impaling Jacques Vaughn with his coaching clipboard. Frank later comments he only did it because Vaughn was the player standing closest to him
March 7- A single fan storms the court in the midst of a Nets Bulls matchup, beating the crap out of both teams. David Stern laments the sad state of the NBA, commenting that it's sad that players "can't fight anymore"
April 6-The Nets win their 14th straight game, beating the Charlotte Bobcats. In the 3rd quarter, the Nets walk off the court to play some cards in the lockeroom. They never return, and the Bobcats lose 113-102.

Mariano Rivera Takes the Lord's Name in Vain

Using his big lumber, the Canandian wonder Justin Morneau delivered a 2 run single to win the game for the Twins. The Yankees plummet under .500 and drop a tough one. Rivera scuffled a bit but it's only April, no need to get the nickers in a twist. Last April Rivera struggled as well, but he still ended up winning the Cy Young. Wait, he didn't? They gave it to Bartolo the Hutt and his 3.48 ERA? Seriously? Those voters sure can pick 'em. Anyway, the real news here is Rivera's reaction after the winning Twin run scored. It didn't take much lip reading to see that Mo, a devout Christian, was wailing something a tad bit un-Christian. Most closers would be excused after cursing about losing a game, but since Rivera delivers the word of Jesus to everyone, this is news. God damn it Mo, you just lost your spot in heaven to dinosaur unbeliever Carl Everett! On a side note, I should acknowledge the Mets. They lost 8-2 today to the Milwaukee Brewers, dropping their record to 8-2 (BEST IN BASEBALL!!!!!!!) Word on the street is Met fans are still calling up WFAN and demanding World Series tickets be printed. Julio Franco for president!

Sports Illustrated Hates Baseball

I just have to get this off my chest. Sports Illustrated's newest issue, featuring Phil Mickelson on the cover, doesn't have a single regular article about the current baseball season. Steve Rushin's column, which is good stuff, is about an old ballplayer, and there is an SI Players feature on Lance Berkman. Hmm...let's see, what else is there? Another article about Kobe Bryant! Yipee, more Kobe, I get to learn more about the "mysterious" Kobe Bryant and how unbelievably interesting he is! He's like some sort of super complex, deep, dark, wizard-philosopher. There's an article about hockey, lefty Phil Mickelson (the super scrappy underdog hard-luck white millionaire Masters winner who everyone loves) and an actually excellent article about Sam Kellerman, the murdered brother of Max Kellerman.

But where is the baseball? This is BASEBALL season. I love SI, but they once put Michael Vick on the cover in the middle of July. It just seems like they'll go out of their way to snub baseball somehow. Football got the freakin' cover for training camp last year. Training camp is the less-romanticized version of spring training, where 300 pound players puke their Dairy Queen smoothies in 110 degrees of raw heat while ramming tackling dummies. Baseball can't get an article during it's own season. Wow.

Beginnings

Welcome to the Lefty Specialist, an all new awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, brain-neuron-busting sports blog that will rock your existence. Well, it might kind of do those things. This blog will also include some humor, so if you are easily offended, gouge your eyes out with a dirty knife and hydrogen peroxide and look away.

Yankees lead Twins 5-4...good stuff, I'm a Yankee fan by the way but I'm not too overly biased. In fact, I see the YES network as being far too biased. They should call it the YEP network (Yankees Entertainment and Propaganda) Ever watch a Yankeeography? If you have, you know what I mean. Anyway, Rivera just got former MVP-candidate (that sounds weirder than Darren Daulton) Shannon Stewart to ground into a DP. More updates a-comin'!