Barbaromania Must End Now

Dear America,

I know you are upset about Barbaro breaking his horse leg. I know you feel you have to write him letters and send him e-mail to wish him luck in recovery. I know you have some sick animal-human lust thing going on. But COME ON, HE IS A HORSE. Why is there such an outpouring of emotion over a horse? For one thing, horses can't read, so the whole letters thing is a waste of paper and trees. Horses also can't understand English or think coherently and probably can't feel all the "love" people are sending him. I don't advocate animals dying or suffering, but I'd rather have a horse die than Albert Pujols. And don't we put to death a race horse everyday or something like that? Seriously, a horse everyday is turned into a bottle of Elmer's Glue. People only care about this horse because if it dies it can't mate and have million dollar kids. Or they care because they don't get out much. Let me sum up my ideas as simply as possible: Barbaro= Horse. Barbaro= Non Human. See people, find something else to do with your time other than writing letters to horses. Letters are....for P-E-O-P-L-E.

Sincerely, A Normal Human Being

Do Not Let Michael Barrett Give You A Bear Hug

Ahhh...the sound of baseball fights. There's nothing quite like 'em. Football brawls are awkward with all the pads and basketball brawls usually end up being fan-oriented. Baseball brawls, now there's some good old-fashioned fightin' and wrasslin'. A good baseball brawl has a few clear elements: bench clearing, poorly executed headlocks, sissy punches, and of course the obligatory pointing and shouting of empty threats. In the White Sox-Cubs series today, God's less loved child A.J. Pierzynski came charging home and knocked over Cubs catcher Michael Barrett. Barrett, clearly not thrilled, stood up and began yelling at Pierzynski. He actually embraced him in a pseudo-bear hug, then decked him the face, carrying out the secret wish of most Americans. Sorry A.J., you are not very well liked. Of course after the punch a rhubarb ensued with bodies flying everywhere. Scott Podsednik got his shots in, as did John Mabry and Brian Anderson. We all saw this coming in a way. People like A.J. usually end up getting socked in the face at least once their lives. On a side note, the White Sox won the game 7-0 and the Cubs continue to spiral toward oblivion. However, Chicago won't officially be a White Sox town until the Sox win seven straight World Series, the Cubs go 1-161 next year, Dusty Baker eats small children, and Osama Bin Laden becomes the GM. At least one of those things is attainable. However, I think Osama is more of an NHL type of guy.

Goddamnit, I guess I have to blog about it. Barry Bonds hit 714. Yipee. The only thing I have left to say is, Pedro Gomez, I do not relish your occupation.

Danny Almonte: Cheater, Pitcher...and Husband?

This is one of the biggest WTF stories of the year. (WTF, for all of you who don't know, is short for what the f--k.) I was perusing ESPN.com, checking up on the scores and the columns, taking in a little Bill Simmons, when all of a sudden I saw this little headline: Almonte, 19-year-old prospect, weds 30-year-old women. I was stunned. At first I thought it was a prank, maybe a little delayed April Fools humor. But it wasn't. Apparently Almonte, the little boy in the Little League World Series who didn't seem so little, has married a 30-year-old Manhattan hair stylist. While other teens his age are still struggling to get to second base, Almonte is already jacking three-run homers. Almonte was always ahead of the curve, first dominating prepubescent little leaguers and then high schoolers. Although he is in his 5th year of High School (something tells me Almonte wasn't accepted into AP Art History) Almonte is considered a prospect and will probably be drafted in June. This means that Almonte might have to leave his elderly sugar bunny to go play some ball. One has to wonder how this relationship started. Danny at least can tell his little friends that he's bangin' an older lady, but what can this women say? She's getting it on with a 19-year-old? That's barely legal. Sorry, I just don't see how this happened. But one thing is clear. Danny Almonte beat Derek Jeter in the race to marriage. Looking back on Almonte's fabled career as a cheating little leaguer, it seems pretty improbable that he would actually end up with a wife before Derek Jeter. It's sad, and quite funny, in many ways. Keep pitching Danny Almonte, you're what America is all about!

The Cavs Are Actually Winning This Series

Somehow, the Cleveland Cavaliers aka "The Lebrons" are winning their series. They lead the Pistons 3-2 after losing the first two games. Lebron "We are all witnesses despite low playoff ratings" James is proving to be as crazy good as we thought he was. He still is somehow carrying a team that does almost nothing to help him. It just goes to show you that whoever told you that basketball is a team game is a dirty, stupid liar. Hear that, every High School JV basketball coach in America? You lie to little kids! If you are as awesome as Lebron, your team will probably win games. Just look at the Los Angeles Kobes: they won when Kobe took 300 shots a game. Guess who won the night Kobe scored 81 points? The Lakers! See kids, sharing is not caring. Sharing is for losers. Well, I am exaggerating just a tad. Basketball is a game where one or two players can make or break a team. I still don't see the Cavs winning the series. The Pistons, who had huge expectations coming into the playoffs, will not choke. They just have too many good players. Chauncy Billups, Big Muscular Scary Wallace, Crazy Weed-Smoking Wallace, Rip Hamilton, and Tayshaun Prince have to be enough to takedown Lebron. So far they have been off of their game, but great teams like the Pistons play their best when they're backed into a corner. Just look at this analogy of the two teams: Lebron is rampaging Godzilla and the Pistons are the smaller parts of a giant Gundam Wing/Mech Warrior/Power Rangers robot. All 5 parts combine into one super mega robot, but does that robot have enough to stop one radioactive and psychotic beast? If this were a poorly made 80's Japanese anime, the answer would be yes. Giant robots always win. Unfortunatly, real life is not always like a poorly made 80's Japanese Anime. Real life has better animation. Lebron better watch his back or he'll be stepped on by a 50-foot robot war machine. Game 6 shall be good.

Holy (Bleepin) Crap! Scott Podsednik Hit A Homerun!

Minneapolis, Minnesota- Scott Podsednik, gutsy and gritty leadoff hitter, has hit his first regular season homerun since 2004. Podsednik hit the homerun off of a fellow member of the Scott fraternity, Scott Baker. I point this out only because, forgetting his World Series homerun, it has been a freakin' long time since Pods hit a homer. Anything to bring up that .397 slugging percentage. I'm sure Jason Kendall, a 0 homerun man himself, is watching slugging Scott with envy. Well all love Pods and his lovable, adorable bunting which gives baseball purists orgasms. But really, other than his obvious speed and solid defense, he doesn't offer that much else. His obp is average at best and same goes for his batting average. Of course, his power numbers are nonexistent. Honestly, he falls into the overrated category for me. Speaking of overrated leadoff hitters, Jim Hendry's Juan Pierre signing is looking about as diasatrous as the ESPN Mobile Phone ad campaign. Pierre is somehow, SOMEHOW, still batting leadoff for the Chicago Cubs. I would like to put stress on the SOMEHOW. There was a time when Pierre was one of the best leadoff hitters in baseball, way back in the ancient days of 2004. Those days have clearly passed. Besides the fact that Pierre isn't invited to Scott Podsednik's homerun party (soda, ice cream, and a free plastic whistle for everyone who has hit at least 1 hr) his on base percentage is beyond awful. By beyond awful, I mean below Jose Reyes territory. He's fallen near Christian Guzman territory, which is close enough to the suburbs of Hell. Pierre has an obp of .269 which gives hope to every overweight, balding, middle-aged, slow-pitch softball utility infielder of being in The Bigs by Spring of '07. Because really, I believe there's a .269 obp in all of us. You can do it. I can do it. Beong-Sun the Korean Grocer can do it. Poor Juan Pierre, they should start counting his stolen bases as hits. And his walks as hits. And his groundouts as hits. Here comes a batting title!

It's Hard To Play Baseball When Your Left Wrist Doesn't Work

That headline says it all. The Yankees have left wrist issues. Who knew that this was the ailment that was going to erase 200 rbis from the lineup? Sheffield is already out with an injured left wrist and could stay on the DL after the 15 days are up. Matsui is out indefinitely, some say three months, and his very annoying consecutive game streak is over. Other than Yomiuri Giants junkies, I don't think anyone cared that much about the streak. I love Matsui, but these consecutive game streaks are really overrated. Matsui's subpar playoff performance last year could have been attributed to the fatigue of playing every freakin' day. Now Matsui is out, along with the continuously disgruntled Sheffield (imagine the anger of every Philadelphia sports fan condensed into one human being) and Yankee fans are ready to freak out. On Mike and the Mad Dog today, I heard a visibly shaken Mike suggest that the Yankees go after Bobby Abreu, Carlos Lee, Ken Griffey Jr., Ichiro Suzuki (he wasn't nuts about Ichiro) and Cliff Floyd. Mike's trade talks were complemented by the rabid and unemployed callers. You gotta love the callers. "Joe from Bayonne, you're on the show" "Long time listener, first time caller. I'm a big Yankees fan and I got a great trade for the Yanks. So we deal Melky Cabrera and cash to the Cardinals for Albert Pujols. Then the Cardinals trade So Taguchi to the Marlins and the Marlins trade Dontrelle Willis to the Yankees. We keep Pujols at first, move Giambi to the DH and package Bernie in a trade for Jonathan Papelbon." Ok, that call didn't take place but the hyperbole really isn't that far off. I would now like to address my fellow Yankee fan brethren about the losses of Matsui and Sheffield. Brethren, we have been through much together. Yay, my fellows, do not fear that the Great Matsui and Great Sheffield have departed from thy grassy plains. For we still possess the Great Damon, Jeter, Rodriguez, Giambi, Posada, and Cano. Our lineup still has the strength of one thousand cannonballs. Thy White Sox of the burgh of Chicago have taught us that pitching steers the baseball units toward thy ultimate golden grail: victory. The goddess of victory shall bless our valiant hearts when thou pitching staff makes thy curveballs break and thy fastballs move with the speed of one thousand gazelles. For crying out loud, the lineup is still pretty goddamn good. Holy crap people, the Yankees can still score 800 or 900 runs for the season. Losing Matsui stinks, but pitching is what matters. The Yankees can survive with Crosby and Melky as long as Crosby plays his usual solid defense and Melky plays his usual, semi-ok-when-he's-not-dropping-easy-flyballs-in-crucial-games defense. The Yankees can hit. They can score. But they can't make Randy Johnson 28 again. Time Machines are for the movies.

The Sox And Yanks Resume Their Bloody Battles

The Red Sox and Yankees are back at it again, opening up a three game series in the Bronx. Tonight's starters are the currently blisterless Josh Beckett and The Second Ugliest Man Alive (see earlier post) Randy Johnson. A toss-up on PTI today asked "who would you rather have, Beckett or Johnson?" My answer of course is both. You can take Johnson's remaining talent, fuse it into the younger body of Josh Beckett, put on some anti-blister cream and you have the ultimate pitcher. Seriously, I would probably take Beckett only because he wasn't old enough to experience the Civil War. (Rumor has it Johnson fought for the Confederacy under the command of Stonewall Jackson) As an added bonus to this highly anticipated series, Melky Cabrera aka Joe Dimaggio without the talent, is back in the majors! Melky Way got called up because Sheffield had to take his wrist to the DL. Melky was eating up triple A, batting .385 in a little over 100 abs. I smell a Wally Pipp situation. Sheffield will be on the DL and Melky will end up batting .340 with 30 hrs and 100 rbis, play a sparkling rightfield, and take Sheffield's spot permantly. He will become Lou Gehrig, occupying rightfield for the rest of his days. And then he will get Lou Gehrig's disease and die. Kidding. Maybe Melky can turn around this season series, which Red Sox fans will tell you they currently own (it's a commanding 1 game lead right now.) Tommorow night should bring some added excitement too, when Orioles Mike Mussina faces Diamondbacks Curt Schilling. Yup, those old folks have discovered the fountain of youth. Red Sox-Yankees, it never gets old. Unless Randy Johnson is pitching. Then it gets REAL old. He's coming for you, Big Papi.

Playoff Predictions, Round Numbah 2

Ahh...the NBA Playoffs. An eternal blissful experience of basketball. Emphasis on the eternal, by the way. This thing is freakin' long. Well, I was pretty okish in round 1 so let's see what my ESP can do in round 2.

Nets over Heat- Shaq Daddy, don't be fooled by Nedad Kristic's doofy facial hair. The man can ball. The Heat had a lot of trouble guarding those legends on the Bulls so who knows how badly they will fair guarding Kidd, Carter, and Jefferson. And again, I will ask the question: who the hell is Stan Van Gundy rooting for?

Pistons over Lebrons- The Cleveland Cavaliers, devoid of any talent to help Lebron James (sorry Illgauskas, the cool nickname Z can't save you, ditto Flip Murray) will now be referred to as the Lebrons since he is basically the team. The Pistons should have no trouble playing some 5 on 1 basketball

Spurs over Mavericks- Look for Duncan to go vintage on the Mavs and bust them up. Injuries can't keep Duncin' Donuts down for long. This is the best matchup of the playoffs so far. Too bad it's only happening in the second round.

Suns over Clippers- Who doesn't want to see the Clippers win this series? They have an unrivaled history of failure and most of those rabid LA sports fans probably never heard of them up until this year. I'm rooting for Elton's boys but I just don't see them getting passed the Big Nash and the Suns

Bonds Hits Number 713, Will Probably Summon The Apocalypse

The end is almost at hand, ladies and gentleman. Bonds is only one homerun away from tieing Babe Ruth and making everyone in America really, really, angry. Who is actually rooting for Bonds to break this record? Anyone? There's no need for an asterisk on his homerun records because the public has already given him the asterisk. Despite the fact that he is actually a great player, fans will always view his accomplishments with skepticism. Bonds-hating is the fad and honestly I am hopping on the bandwagon. Watching a half hour of Bonds on Bonds will do that to you. The man just isn't very likeable. I don't think America hates him quite as much as Phillies fans (after all Phillies fans would probably boo at the Special Olympics) but a great deal of hatred is there. 714 and 715 will end up being the most awkward homeruns ever. What is Bud Selig supposed to do? Maybe he'll muster a little "yay" and then curse himself. MLB is trying to steer clear from this as much as possible by not officially recognizing Bonds' historic homers. Ball number 715 isn't being authenticated, which means spilling blood in the stands for the baseball will probably not amount to that much money. We should really think about this moment more poetically. Perhaps when Bonds hits number 715 he'll break the lights like at the end of The Natural. He'll jog around the bases in slow motion while waving to his children in the stands. Randy Newman's music will play in the background. Fireworks will pepper the sky and confetti will rain down on the field. No wait, the fireworks will probably be flaming meteors. The outfield will split open, creating a burning canyon of hellfire in centerfield. San Francisco Bay will turn into a cauldron of boiling lava and the antichrist will arrive, officially declaring the human race exstinct. Loud dramatic classical music will play in the background as a tsunami of lava envelopes all of California. Cities will collapse, civilization will crumble, and the Cubs will once again not win the World Series. Yup, 715 is a homerun to look forward too.

Raja Bell Will Beat The Crap Out Of Kobe Bryant (Or Visa Versa)

Game 7, Suns-Lakers, it be on. Raja "Ring My" Bell is back from a one game suspension after his glorious takedown of Kobe Bryant. My prediction is a Suns win and a Kobe beatdown. At least I hope for a Kobe beatdown. Or a Raja beatdown. We need fights! This is what basketball is about, not scoring points or defense or Larry Bird or passing the ball, it's about fighting! Let's turn game 7 into wrestlemania, but without all the fake chairs and corny costumes. We can get Nash and Bell in one corner tag teaming against Kobe and Smushie Mushie Parker. This has been the most violent first round of any playoff in recent memory and the fans couldn't be happier. We crave blood! Who wants to see docile Richard Jefferson or kind Jason Kidd beat those pussy Pacers? Lebron scoring 40 points...snoooooze. We want ball(s) grabbing! (Reggie Evans baby) We want people grabbing! (Raja Bell baby) We want players insulting other players with SAT words! (pompous, and that was Raja again baby) Kobe's retort to Raja's wordplay was basically calling him "kid" and making a joke about how he wasn't hugged enough as a child. Psychoanalyzing, that's what the NBA should be about! You get to the root of Raja's aggression, Kobe. That's your assignment in this game to end all games. Psychoanalyzation (if that is a word, which it probably isn't.) First you psychoanalyze, then you pulverize! Yeah! NBA playoffs: let's spill some blood. Now if we can just get Gilbert and Lebron to do an old fashioned bare knuckled boxing match my life would be complete.

The Reds?? First Place?? Whaaa??

Believe it folks, the Cincinnati Reds are the owner of the best record in baseball. The Reds were able to surpass the Cards for first place in the NL central after back to back beatdowns on those very same Cardinals. Somehow, someway, these Cinci Reds have managed to win 19 games and only lose 8. And who is leading this party of champions? None other than the legendary Bronson Arroyo, who has figured out how to pitch like Tom Seaver after leaving Boston. How's that trade working out, Theo? The Reds have won their games mostly due to their offense which always manages to be good. Still, their success seems almost mind boggling when one looks at their pitching rotation. The legendary staff includes Yankee-castoff Brandon Claussen, Aaron Harang (if the guy showed up naked at your doorstep you wouldn't know who he was), Elizardo Ramirez (ditto), Dave Williams (sporting a pristine 7.61 ERA), and of course guitar star Bronson Arroyo. Oh and how can I forget their bullpen, which includes 84-year old David Weathers and Yankee-castoff number two Chris Hammond. All jokes aside, the Reds are a nice little story. The fact that they seem to be winning without Ken Griffey Jr. makes their run even more impressive. And hey, who wouldn't want to see Tony La Russa pissed off after losing the division? I can see it now, Tony stepping on his shades in disgust after he realizes the Cards lost the division to a team with a pitcher named Elizardo. Elizardo! Somewhere Elizardo Ramirez is thinking the same exact thing...

Johnny Resurrected In Boston

Tonight is the night we all have been waiting for. Johnny Damon, called savior, Jesus, Judas, and asshole by Red Sox nation in 2005 returns to Fenway Park. It will certainly be interesting to see the fans' response to Damon. Will there be boos, more boos, a crap load of boos, or a few weak yays? Sox fans have short term memories. There isn't any World Series grace period in Boston. At best the reaction to Damon will probably be mixed. Some fans will remember his heroics in '04 during the World Series run, but most will probably remember to bring their "Damon sucks" signs. This can become a wild ballgame, at least in the stands. Who knows, maybe we will get a few Damon jersey burnings. Or some bibles tossed in Damon's direction. Hey, those Massachusettsites have burned witches before, who knows what they'll do with more advanced technology? Believe it or not, there is more to this series than Johnny Damon. Tim Wakefield meets Chien-Ming Wang in the battle of the slow windups and Wakefield gets to pitch to his old battery mate Doug Mirrabelli. That's right, the Red Sox dealt knuckleball-challenged Josh Bard to the Padres for Doug Mirrabelli! Which means the Red Sox ended up with Mark Loretta AND Doug Mirrabelli and the Padres ended up with...Josh Bard. Way to fleece 'em Theo. This is only a two game series and the first of many Sox-Yankees games, but this will always be remembered as the first game in which Johnny Damon was booed at Fenway Park. As a special treat, I am going to preview this week's matchup for you ravenous readers by providing position by position matchups and deciding who I, the greatest mind of all, thinks is better. Giddyup!
Catcher- Jorge Posada v. Jason Varitek- This one is certainly close but Posada's age and declining stats bump him just below 'Tek. Plus Varitek wears a retarded looking "C" on his uniform which actually loses points for him, but not enough to lose the advantage. Ad: Varitek
First Base- Jason Giambi v. J.T. Snow/Kevin Youkilis- Giambi is slugging .852. Debate over. Ad: Giambi
Second Base- Robinson Cano v. Mark Loretta- An intriguing debate. Cano has the age and the potential advantage, but one cannot ignore Loretta's outstanding defense and solid contact ability. Loretta's recent slump gives Cano the edge. Ad: Cano
Third Base- Alex Rodrgiuez v. Mike Lowell- If A-Rod played the entire series left-handed, maybe Lowell would have an advantage. Ad: Rodriguez
Shortstop- Derek Jeter v. Alex Gonzalez- I shall propose the left-handed theory once again. Ad: Jeter
Leftfield- Hideki Matusi v. Manny Ramirez- Hideki can certainly hit and has been a consistent force in the Yankees lineup. But Manny has Matsui beat in the crazy department AND hitting department. Sorry Godzilla. Ad: Ramirez
Centerfield- Johnny Damon v. Adam Stern/Dustan Mohr- Stern's WBC heroics for Team Canada can't save him here. Maybe when Coco Crispies comes back, this will be more of a debate. Ad: Damon
Rightfield- Gary Sheffield v. Trot Nixon/Wily Mo Pena- There are way too many slashes for the Red Sox in these matchups. Hot to Trot has had injury issues and Wily Mo, despite his entertaining name, is either a strikeout or homerun when he comes to the plate. He's the poor man's Dave Kingman. Very poor man's. And Sheff is Sheff Ad: Sheffield
DH- David Ortiz v. Bernie Williams- If this were 1998 when Williams was the batting champion this matchup would be... um, Williams can still hit and...eh forget it Ad: Ortiz
Starting Pitching- Schill is off to a hot start and Beckett has somehow avoided the DL for a whole month and is looking good. Wakefield is whatevery, Clement is very inconsistent but usually consistently bad, and Lenny Di Nardo is Lenny Di Nardo. Pretty self explanatory. On the Yankees side, Randy Johnson is getting older and has looked average so far, Mussina has been great, Wang has been erratic, and Chacon seems to be finding his groove after a few early rough starts. That leaves Jared Wright who right now has fallen to Lenny Di Nardo depths. Let's make this one even. Ad: Even
Relief Pitching- Papelbon certainly deserves a lot of credit for his great April and the Yankees should provide a good test for his abilities. Rudy Seanez' 8.68 ERA speaks for itself: he has been a huge dissapointment thus far. Plum-crazy Julian Tavarez has been mediocre, posting a 5.40 ERA. Timlin has been his usual solid self and we all know Foulke can no longer be trusted. Who's the lefty in this bullpen, anyway? The Yankees counter with Rivera who has had a decent month, but is still the great Mo. Kyle Farnsworth has been good but he still scares me everytime he throws one of his uber-straight 96 mph fastballs. All I can say is BP. Lefty Mike Myers, who has just about pitched with every MLB club that has ever existed provides a nice lefty option who can get Ortiz out. Villone is another decent lefty who can spot start. Scott Proctor, possesor of the uber-straight Farnsworth fastball, has somehow been the BEST of the Yankees middle relief. How that has happened, I just don't know. One day Joe Torre will end his mancrush on Tanyon Sturtze. Advantage: Yankees

Yanks-Sox, it's on.